Communicating when anger is involved

It IS OK to disagree, but it's not OK to be rude, derogatory, or personally attack anyone! and it's *not* OK to respond in kind to ppl who choose to phrase their thoughts in an inappropriate manner.

This brings to mind a couple of things that I use in my day to day interactions, both in person and on the net. Perhaps it's part of my philosophy of interacting with others. We choose words to convey what we are thinking and feeling. There are *many* ways one can phrase one's thoughts. and even if you do the best you can to use words to convey your meaning, there is another step in the communication process--the other person(s) has to *interpret* the words you chose and infer meaning from them. Thus there are at lease two points at which misunderstandings can occur. because the sender wasn't clear, or because the perceiver did not infer the intended meaning because of having a different frame of reference etc. Because this potential for misunderstanding is *always* present in *any* communication, I try not to get jerked around by my emotions. If I'm having an emotional reaction because of something someone said, I step back and give them the benefit of the doubt. I *won't* let someone else control how *I* feel. Typically I feedback what I perceived that they said and ask for clarification. and if I am feeling some emotional reaction to something someone said I let them know how I'm feeling eg. I felt ______ when you _______. or a more concrete example: I was insulted and am angry that you generalize the behavior of some list members to me. That's a *healthy* mode of interacting! and it gives the person who offended you a chance to respond and creats the opportunity for understanding rather than hard feelings.

Perhaps it goes back to what one's goal in interacting with others is...

Is it to escalate negative feelings? I think not...

Is it to lash out and try to hurt back? I think not...

or

Is it to attempt to resolve the issues that arise and lead to better understanding of self and others? I think so.

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I still hold to the premise that it's ok to disagree, but not ok to judge and call ppl names. I *think* I've got a grip on the dynamics of what's happenin...

If someone believes *adamantly* that they know the one, higher, and more moral truth, then it's not possible to disagree with them without attacking their very belief system (even if you don't disagree in an abusive way). I'm not sure it's possible for them to use words in nonjudgemental ways, because those judgemental words represent the one and only truth for them (and for anyone who could just stop being biased and see that truth). I'm not sure they understand at all why their judgemental language tends to make others angry. Then when someone disagrees with their *truth*, instead of owning their affective reaction, they externalize blame for how they feel and judge some more. I think it's a no win situation. *sigh*

It's ok if we disagree.... it's to be expected. and it's ok to be angry.

It's healthy to own one's anger and express how come you're angry.

It's just plain awsome to be able to say "I'm sorry" and mean it.

It's exceedingly cool to be able to agree to disagree and not respect the other person any less.

and it's especially cool if we can be considerate of other's feelings even tho we may disagree.

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