Compatibility: Passion based vs Intimacy based new relationships and the likelihood of relationship success

Compatibility: Passion based vs Intimacy based new relationships and the likelihood of relationship success

Tony writes:
> I don't believe in the Mr/Ms Right theory. Perfect matches are as more rare
>than perfect people. When things go wrong (and of course they will) it takes
>some work to keep things together. Therefore, if lasting relationships require
>some work then it is logical to conclude that some relationships require more
>work than others. People with wide tolerances can probably be happy with any
>of a number of mates. People with narrow tolerances will have fewer (maybe
>none) possible mates.

Good point! I agree with *both* concepts. :)

 
I can represent compatability on a continuum:
|-------------------------------------------------------------------|
Not                                                              Very
Compatable                                                 Compatable
 
which would covary with amount of work it takes to maintain the relationship:
|-------------------------------------------------------------------|
A LOT                                                            Not Much
 
So what you're saying is that if a person has a wide tolerance range
they have more potentially compatable partners to choose from:
|------------------------------(-------------------------------------|)
Not                                                               Very
Compatable                                                  Compatable
 
Whereas a person with a narrow tolerance range would have fewer potentially
compatable partners to choose from:
|----------------------------------------------------------(---------|)
Not                                                               Very
Compatable                                                  Compatable

Interesting. :)

Now comes the sticky question...
If we tend to "fall in love" with a partner, *before* we know if we are compatable (as is quite common in our society), how likely is it that we have indeed gotten invested in a relationship that has a chance of lasting and being happy?
eg.
passion/physical attraction --> love--compatability??
vs
emotional intimacy --> love--compatabilty

So that means that people with wider tolerance ranges would have more luck with "falling in love" than would those with a narrow tolerance range (luck=having fallen in love with someone who is within their compatability range).

Also, compatability... What is it? How does one know when they are with the *right* partner?
WHen Jim and I started seriously considering whether to begin a romantic relationship after being friends for around a year on the net (He was in Lousianna and I was in Texas). We both were attracted to each other... However, we knew that if we decided to pursue our relationship that we would hafta be together in person (which would result in one of us moving--a BIG step). So we explored a lot of compatability issues. Since our relationship evolved from friendship, we liked how each other "think". We knew we shared the same enjoyment from trying to figure out how things work. We knew we shared a lot of the same interests, values and goals in life. We checked out things like how much overlap we like in relationships, eg do we want to do most things together, or do we like less overlap in our relationship? What is our tolerance level for order and neatness (something we'd hafta deal with on a daily basis). Sexuality--what we liked and didn't. How we deal with conflict. We already knew that we communicate well. To make a long story, short, after a couple of weeks of talking intensly about such things we decided to meet in person. After a couple of months of commuting, he moved in with me. We've been together over a year now in person, and we *are* compatable. The thing that I find interesting about the way we began our relationship is it developed from emotional intimacy, so we knew from the onset that it had a good chance of being good. This is quite different from any relationship I'd had before, because all my previous relationships had evolved from the passionate aspects--I was in love *before* I knew much at all about my partner. This one I fell in love *because* of what I knew about my partner.

Shelia writes:
>Let me ask this, How do you know when you are 'in love' with someone. I
>guess what I am asking is, how do you know it is the 'right' person. Is
>there a 'Mr./Mrs. Right' for everyone out there. From my past
>relationships I really don't believe there is. I used to think that
>there was someone for everyone. NOT anymore.
>When does a relationship go from infatuation to 'love' and how do you
>know it has?

Yea, a lot of my past relationships were pretty unhealthy cuz they were based on the wrong things. I gave up romantic relationships for 10 years and decided to focus on getting myself an education and raising my daughter. I'm beginning to think that the key is finding that person, which may not be easy given how difficult it is at times to meet potential partners. You see we narrow our potential based on physical attractiveness as the first cut, and then get infatuated with someone who does meet our physical attractiveness requirements, hoping that they are the "one" for us, which may or may not be the case.... by the time we have any idea of whether they are compatable, we're already 'in love'. Does this sound like a set up to get screwed over? It does to me... There's someone out there for you.... it's just a matter of finding him with the least pain possible.