On making sure one's relationship lasts and is good.

An e-mail I wrote on things one can do to increase the odds of keeping your love strong.

M. wrote:
>I know that I am rambling on about child support and stuff...but it all ties
>in somehow. My fiance and I are planning on getting married sometime within
>the next few years. I am scared. My mother went through two terrible
>marriages and two terrible divorced. I am afraid of divorce!! Maybe that
>makes me afraid of marriage too. I love my fiance dearly.... My mom loved
>my dad and she loved my stepdad too. I wish that there was some guarantee
>that my fiance and I will not get divorced. Like I said, my mom went through
>two divorces.....the first one hurt me more than the second one because it
>was MY dad. Things were bad with not having two parents. I just want to
>make sure that my children will not have to go through the same things that I
>did as a kid. I want them to worry about school..about their friends....NOT
>worry "Does my daddy love me??"

I hear ya... and I don't think that love is enuf to maintain a long-term relationship. It's what you do to maintain that love that's important. and I think there are some things that you guys can do to keep that love you now feel alive and going strong.

1. Make sure there are no *major* areas of incompatibility.. make a list of what's important to each of you and talk talk talk to make sure that there are no major areas of incompatibility. Are there some things that are *very* important to either of you that you can't agree on? or can't agree to disagree on?
   • Do you both want kids? When? How do you think kids should be disciplined?
   • How will you share the things that need to be accomplished each day? Will you be the one who ends up having to do most of the housework? Is one of you a neat freak and is one a slob?
   • How will you share the money? How will you spend discretionary funds?
   • What about sex? How often? and does either of you have any major kinks that the other isn't into? Do you both want to be sexually exclusive? How about having opposite sex friends? What about online activities?
   • What about religeon?
   • What about careers.. what if one of you is offered a prime job that would require relocating?
   • What about extended family? Do you like each other's extended family and agree on what place do they have in your lives?
   • How much time do you want to spend doing things by yourself versus how much time spent together? Do you have things you like to do together?
   • Do you problem solve well together and work well as a team?
   • Does either of you snore loudly? That may sound silly, but just try sleeping with someone all the time who snores... That one can be overcome with effort tho.
   • What about the use of chemicals like alcohol, or illicit drugs or other addictions?
   • What about traditional sex roles? and the expectations that go along with those roles?
   • and the most important thing IMO is how does each of you deal with negative feelings? To keep a relationship good both people have to care about how their partner feels and make sure to talk about anything that's causing either party to feel like their needs aren't being met and try to fix it. Cuz that's what breaks relationships and kills the love that was once there--letting hurt/anger/etc grow and take over instead of fixing the problem while it's small.
     • Do either of you do the "if he/she loves me they should just *know* how I feel!" thing? Can you ask for what you need/want?
     • Can you listen to what your partner needs without feeling defensive to the point of not wanting to help them get their needs met?
     • Does either party have excessive needs or anything that's seriously broken (e.g., very insecure, control freak, overly jealous, trouble expressing anger in nonabusive ways, etc)?
     • When having strong non-positive feelings can you talk about what you need without having to go ballistic? Can he? How each of you treats your family of origin is a big clue about how you'll be treated later in the relationship.
     • How do you handle it if your feelings are hurt? How does he?
     • Will you be able to mend little hurts before they become big ones? and will you be able to work thru it, forgive and become closer after either or both people mess up?
2. Make a commitment... Not in the traditional sense to stay together no matter how bad it gets... you have to be willing to hang in there thru difficult times but I think that both parties must commit 110% to nurturing and protecting what they have.. to do things that keep the love you feel alive and strong and to always be vigalent and nip problems in the bud *before* they get to the point of harming your relationship.

IMO That's the key to making a relationship last and stay good.

• Make sure you are compatible in the things you both think are important.
• Make sure that both of you have the skills to negotiate conflict without having to beat each other up with words.
• Make a commitment to keep it good and then make it a reality.

Hope this helps. :)
Betty

---